The Holidays are upon me....

I've just had my 26th birthday, and Leila just had her 8th. Time flys when you totally aren't writing anything at all, huh?

I hate the holidays. Ok, I don't hate the holidays, I just feel like it's leading up to a big fat nothing. After the holidays it such a let down to know that you have to go another year. Let's face it, after New Years, the only holiday left is Valentines Day, and boy, please. I'm an old married Lady. V-day just isn't that special anymore. Oh, sure it was a big deal in HS, and when you just start dating someone, but now? Romance is when Tom gets up with Alexis in the middle of the night or offers to take Leila to school. I'm sure Romance to him is when I don't use his razor to shave my legs.

In other words, romance is dead.


But back to the holidays which don't really feel like holidays because hello, sleigh bells jingling and white Christmas in Florida? I don't think so. Maybe if I spray paint the house and ground white or attach little wheels to a horse drawn sleigh.

Leila's excited, but of course she is, she and Lex get so many presents every year I literally have to buy new toy holders after the holidays to fit them all in. Alexis doesn't care, but maybe she will when she sees the presents. Unwrapping to her is really exciting. I bet I could just buy her boxes and wrap them and she would have more fun that way. Anyone remember Christina Katerina and the box? (I swore when I grew up I would totally name my daughter that. Sort of like Susan Sharon. Leila got really lucky, didn't she?) Exactly like that. the box is a fort, a space ship, a race car, a school room. A box can be anything.

There's something there, a box can be anything but a toy can only be a toy. I had a thought going there.....oops, it's gone. Something magical about a box and the wonder of a child....
Nope, can't remember.

Leila's getting a new ds this year, and some of the games and new earrings(I'm thinking those cute little gold tinkerbells), and Alexis is getting some of the Calico corners stuff, maybe some color wonder and definitely the aqua doodle mats. No, and I have no idea what I'm giving Tom this year. Maybe a black eye.
Kidding, I'm kidding.
Maybe.

And if I can't have self laundering clothes?

Then I want Rosie the robot maid from the jetsons. I bet she launders clothes like nobodies business and would never think to put my thongs in the dryer on INTENSE CRISPY HEAT. (Like some people I know who try to be helpful, but are in fact just seriously fucking up your whole underwear drawer.)

You know what else would make my world the perfect happy place?

Self Laundering clothing. Clothing that gets up off the floor, turns the washing machine on, and hops in.

And then folds itself nicely and puts itself away in a drawer.

Confusion

A very dear friend of mine just got off sub duty. Nuclear sub duty. SCARYPANTS SUB DUTY.

We had a really long talk with his Dad, a person whom I also admire and love. And ya'll, between my cousin Raizel, and these other dear people, I am so confused.

I must stand for something or I will fall for anything.

I want to live in a world where nuclear subs are not needed, but if they are, women can serve on them and be in charge just as much as a man.

I want a world in which nation's are not constantly fighting over a tiny piece of land no bigger then New Jersey. It's important to everyone, but I still have an uncomfortable feeling about it, like the land was taken from the Palestinians and just given to the jews. Maybe I am wrong, but maybe I am right. Maybe we could call it something else and let everyone live there peacefully. Like, welcome to Peaceful, the nation that loves everyone! Really? Maybe? Please?

I want a world in which I can walk down any street in the world, and not fear for my safety just because of my color, my sex, or my religion.

I want a world where ghettos no longer exist, and babies never go hungry and animals are never tortured.

I want a world in which money doesn't matter so much.

I want a world where everyone has access to public transportation.

I want a world where medical care isn't regulated by money, instead it would be regulated by the fact that You as a human are sick, and deserve the very best care no matter how much money you make.

I want a world in which your sexual preference doesn't matter. What matters is that you are a good human.

I want a world in which Love is the rule, not the exception.

WRITE SOMETHING.

Good lord, anything.

I'm alive. I swear. I've just been under a dismal fog for awhile. it's sad, but a game has been keeping me awake at night, and no, it's not that, but I've turned into something of an insomniac, who wishes nothing more but another bottle of rum, and to never leave the house again. I'm tired ya'll. I do not want to shave my legs, or bother with makeup. I do not want to bother with the unwashed masses that perpetuate walmart. Fuck target. (and Cancer! Hi Jen, I do still have your mom in my prayers. Sometimes, mastectomies give you better boobs then what you had. Your mama is a strong woman. She gave birth to you didn't she?) I can't think too hard about what Jen is going through. It hurts and reminds me too much of my grandmother. (Ammie, it's been almost TEN FUCKING YEARS! THAT'S TOO LONG! (Ammie, I'm sorry about the cursing, I swear!) (OMG! I DO NOT SWEAR, NOR DO I EVER USE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN) (UH, EVER!)

Can they read blogs in heaven? G-D is never going to let me in now! Was hoping I could coast through on the half Jew blood side, but sigh, probably not.

Ya'll, the fog is just so thick right now, but I'll be back, I'm too evil to die.
Ash.

It's not the right time right now.

Originally written 8/09


Hey Baby brain train. Jump aboard! Or not.

A friend of mine will be "trying" to get pregnant again soon, and what with all the babies currently entering the family (Hey Kristel, still think Ariana will be early?) so I brought up the baby talk with Tom last night.

Me: Are we done?
T: I don't know. do you think we are?
Me: I feel like....no. no, our family isn't finished yet.
T: I know, I have the same feeling, but...
Me: I know.
T: Alexis.
Me: Yeah, she is still so attached. and the biteyness. and the faux tantrum thingy.
T: And my promotion.
Me: what about it?
T: Longer hours. I would feel terrible leaving you alone with the girls if you were pregnant again.
Me: indeed, that would suck. And college, I didn't want to put that off forever.
T: So...
Me: Yeah, I guess not right now.

Hey, Thanks whoever the hell stumbled me!

Nice. No Really. Someone found a freaking old ass post of mine, decided it was humorous and stumbled it and now EVERYONE IS READING IT. (And not reading anything else. I checked the stat counter. THE COUNTER DOES NOT LIE)

Well fine.

Ash will write another post instructing her younger self IN MUCH GREATER DETAIL!

COMING TOMORROW. (Or maybe this weekend!)

GREATER DETAILED LETTER TO YOUNGER SELF!
And I promise to leave out last names this time. (Hi Luke. Hi Erik.)

MOAR DRUNK BLOGGING IN ASH TIME!

Thoughts as of 9:28 pm

I ar not drunk. only had 1 or four beers. Shush! don't tell tom, ya'll! He'll be mad because I drank all the beer!
*Ash time being whenever I almost fall asleep at the computer and post then. I will try and use spellcheck before I get that toasty!

TWITTER! @ashchatfield!

Why are all Halloween costumes choices for women whore, hoe or nun? THE HELL? Half breed Jews aren't allowed to dress up as nuns! BECAUSE THE CATHOLICS WILL STONE US! And bury us in non-sanctified land. AND THEN WE BECOME GHOULS. THROUGH NO PART OF OUR OWN. IS ALL CATHOLICS FAULT!

I LUF AMALAH.com ARCHIVES. you will too. SO DAMN ADDICTING.

I LUF BIG LETTERS. YOU KNOW YOU DO TOO! AM YELLING AT YOU! SEEEEEEEE MY BIG ANGRY LETTERS?!?!

From my sister: Mom hates you
Me: Duh kiddo.
Sis: You ok with that?
Me: Yup. Lots of therapy and BEER.
Sis: ok then.

From Leila:
Hey is that the guy that sings on Lilo and stitch?
Me: you mean ELVIS?
Leila: Yeah, is he real?
me: IS HE REAL?????? OMG! I HAVE FAILED AS A PARENT! FAILED.

MOAR BEER! FAIL! BEER! FAILFAILFAIL!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

9:45Pm

eBay! YOU SUCK! MASSIVE SUCKAGE! you are not my friend, and you probably talk shit behind my back. I hope you get a really REALLY bad perm! Love, Ashley

McDonald's I LUFF YOU! Your cheeseburgers really stand up to the reheating test. your fries however don't! Might want to work on that! Best, Ashley

I really hate that knock knock Knockin' on heaven's door vintage classicy goodie oldie from like, my parents high school years that is playing on my cable tv music channel right now. SHUT THE HELL UP, I GET IT! YOU ARE KNOCKIN' AND NO ONE IS ANSWERING! They probably think you are a jehovah's witness or a fuller brush salesmen! SHUT UP ALREADY YOU WHINY BITCH! GAH!

Dancin' in the dark by THE BOSS! YES! THE CABLE TV CLASSIC ROCK GAWDS HEARD ME! WOOOOOO!

10:00PM

OMG.
I will be 26 this year. TWENTY SIX! I believe this puts me into the OLD category.
O.M.G.OLDOLDOLDOLDOLDOLD. But at least I am not old and fat! The publix weighty checky thing told me that I am under 117, so I AM GOLD! AND TOM HAS NO EXCUSE TO LEAVE ME BECAUSE AM SEXY AND THIN. Even if I am old.

OOOO MOAR THE BOSS. AND BEER! WOOOO!

5 beers is a lot. that's a lot of beer. Riiiight?

EWwWWWwwW: Rocky mountain something or other! CABLE TV PEOPLE HAVE NO TASTE! I SHOULD WRITE THE PLAY LIST! AND BE PAID FOR IT! I AM KICKASS AT PLAYLISTS! (THERE IS NO FIVE IN PLAY LIST. DAMN DRUNKY TYPO PRONE HANDS. )
Play more AEROSMITH, Slaves!

Maybe I will go watch HOGFATHER. I should, I owe the liberry like, a gazillionty hundreds of dollars in late fees for it.
Yes, enough tipsy blogging. Night ya'll.

Chatfield Home improvement Project: BACK YARD

Welcome to The Chatfield home improvement project 2009: BACK YARD.

I made notes on the pictures, as you can see.
Feel free to make suggestions on anything I have missed.
Improvements begin this weekend! Wooo!(and by weekend, I mean Saturday afternoon because that's usually when I am done with my friday payday hangover;))

I feel confident that if Tom and I can make it through a project like this without killing each other, then we really are meant to be together! ;)

Chatfield Home improvement Project: BACK YARD

Welcome to Chatfield home improvement project: BACK YARD.

I made notes on the pictures, as you can see.
Feel free to make suggestions on anything I have missed.
Improvements begin this weekend! Wooo!(and by weekend, I mean Saturday afternoon because that's usually when I am done with my friday payday hangover:))

Guess what today is?

Yeah, four years Tom and I have been together. I count from the first time we met, he counts from the time we errrrrrr, you know.

Today was also the first day of second grade for Leila. Which: YES! THANK YOU JEBUS! THE SUMMER IS OVER AND I AM NOT DEAD! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I'm cranky mcperiod pants today, so this morning was of course hustle and bustle and Leila was ready to go by 6:30 this morning. (I threw her out of my room and told her not to bother me again for an hour. UPON PENALTY OF DEATH AND NO HANNAH MOVIE!) And by ready I mean she was perfectly dressed, combed, sparkling really. It was killer. I should teach her how to make Mommy her coffee since she can already get breakfast for herself and her sister and be ready to go before I've even stumbled over to the coffee grinder, blearily eyeing like it's a super computer at caltech. (How does it work again? it's much too early in the morning to be trying to operate heavy machinery, I mean GAH! ALREADY!) (Jebus!)

Four years. That's I record for me. I've had underwear longer then that. It's crazy, but four years is how long I've been putting up with his shit, and vice versa. It seems like a long time, but really it went so fast. Frankly I blame the kids, everything is so go go go with them that we rarely have time to sit down and realize we hate each other. (Kidding, I'm kidding! Jeez!) It's been a pretty good four years though. (you know, ish) Happy four babe, lets see if we can handle four more!

NEW: Drunk Blogging!

Fine, not drunk. Merely a bit tipsy. Or to quote my friend Mel: Wheeeeee!


Thought one: Thank G-D I'm not on the dating scene because the local pool hall slash hole in the wall Cunninghams where we all went out tonight had not even one decent looking guy in the joint, and trust me when I say the gals weren't any better. Mel and Rob (Who got married in June. disgustingly lovey newlyweds. EWW) even had a contest going to see who could spot the chick with the shortest shorts. MOST OF THE GIRLS SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE BEEN WEARING THE SHORT SHORTS! Oh but they were, coupled with the tightest low cut shirts even imagined. I can forgive even that, if they'd have at least been wearing decent heels, but nooo, tacky candies abounded! (yark!)

Thought two: as I camp out on the couch and watch "look who's talking" for the 3 millionth time in my life: Hey, this was the actual extent of my knowledge of kids when I got pregnant with Leila. Wow, I did ok, you know, for knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. The kid is turning out pretty well!

Thought three: hmm. Must remember to pick up Leila's polo's from the uniform store tomorrow, else what will mah pore pore chile wear on monday for HER FIRST DAY OF SECOND GRADE. Ya'll! SECOND GRADE! My mind boggles, even when I'm stone cold sober. My baby! My preshus wee tiny mini me. SECOND GRADE! GAH! GAH! GAH!

Thought four: Wonder where I put the emergency bottle of rum? Cannot remember.

Thought five: Fuck you microsoft updates.

Thought six: What the heck is that ticking? GO AWAY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK. AM NOT OLD YET BITCH! GAH! GAH! GAH!

Thought seven: MOAR BEERRRR!


Night ya'll!

All right, All right, I'm back.

Back by Popular demand.....Ok, maybe not popular. ANYWAY. I'm back, and life is interesting. Ask me about loose teeth, the new house, how much I hate my cats and what is up with the lame ass hurricane season...(uh, something, I think. Bill or other brewing, speeding up, slowing sown. Eerily reminiscent of the lame ass ernesto!)

Coming up soon....DRUNK BLOGGING!!!! Maybe even tonight. We shall see. ;)

The reason I haven't written lately....

Is because nothing has been happening. Nothing of any real importance anyway. Lets see...

• I'm going to the No Doubt Concert tonight. That's going to be fucking awesome. Gwen and the boys are playing here. Oh, and Paramore is a "very special guest".Yes, I know, you are absolutely jealous. Shhhhh, it's ok, really. You can see them when they come to your area!

• My SIL had a baby, Olivia, and my other SIL is pregnant again, and Leila's biological father and his wife are having another baby. I on the other hand, am so not pregnant and am in fact considering that whole snipity snip snip, burnburn thing they do to fallopian tubes.
  

• We're moving, again. (sigh) But wait! JUST LISTEN FIRST! This house has 4 bedrooms and a pool. and it's closer to Leila's school and right next door to Aunt Toni. POOOOOOL. Sure, it's an above ground, but it's one of those really WIIIIIIIDE ones. Guess where I'll be for the rest of my summer? That's right, I'll be in my POOOOOOOOOOOOL!(with many Margarita's since Aunt Toni owns one of those professional slurry slurpee machines.) (who's bringing the kosher salt?)
  

• Today is Leila's last day of first grade. Woooo! and also: Wahhhh! Next year Lei will be in 2nd, and the year after that 3rd, and then my preshus baybee will grow up and be all like "go away ma, you are totally lame!(or whatever new word means lame in the future vocab)

• Alexis will be 2 shortly. 2! OHMAHFREAKINGAH! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

• I hate the cats. Stupid pooers! Everywhere there is poo! POOOOO!
  

The end.

Interesting, probably only to me though.

Alexis rock climbing. Leila calls it cabinet surfing. Either way, probably dangerous, right?
THREE NEW KITTENS, born early the morning after easter. Already have homes for them, because I am the SHIT! Actually it's because from the moment they are born, I handle them constantly so all of my litters have fabulously loving kittens. Dude, I practically have a waiting list!
It's so pretty and it smells Wondrous.
Boggle at Mel's. It always turns dirty.

I didn't know Pinto's were even on the road anymore! Not only that, but according to the license plate it's a "Classic". Ya'll, I made it my business not to rear end this dude.

Cranky Mcbloatypants.

oh yeah, Just finished off the period that went missing for five days. FIVE DAYS LATE. FIVE DAYS! Can you even guess what that was like for me? The world's largest worry machine. I swear I'd rather have a root canal than have to go through that again. 6 negative pg tests should have calmed me down, but then, Like a goober, I looked up what else could cause your period to not show up for five days and look, I have cancer, or early menopause or maybe an ectopic pregnancy and OHMIGAH! I AM GOING TO DIE!

Listen, it's not that I was upset at the idea of being pregnant, but those tests kept turning out negative, and I am never ever EVER that late unless, well, unless I'm pregnant. It was enough to make me cry. And then I considered exactly what it would do to my poor mother in law to have 3 grandchildren in one year, because Jenna just had a baby, and Kristel is pregnant and due this year as well. Me getting pregnant again would push that poor woman over the edge I think. Bad enough to get 5 grandchildren in under three years, to have three born all in one year would be overwhelming, I think. At least for me. Did I mention that there is still not a boy? all Six are girls: Leila, Farrah, Alexis, Portia and Olivia. (Hey Kristel, can we get a y chromosome around here, please)

Never was I so glad to see all the red, because at least I knew. NOTHING IS WORSE THEN NOT KNOWING! NOTHING!
AHHHHHHHH!

In other Ashnews, Leila was on spring break this week, and spent the entire time in her room NOT CLEANING IT. Because NOT CLEANING IT is so much easier then FUCKING CLEANING YOUR ROOM ALREADY. AAHHHHHH!

I think Alexis is cutting molars, and we bought Lex a potty yesterday. Not that I am making any attempt to train her, no, just acclimate her to it, so this summer, when I stick her in pants and we actually do the potty thing, maybe it won't be such a shock for her. (PLEASE, YEA! G-D!) (Safety first 3 in 1 pink potty. the seat is really squishy and I wish they made big pottys with seats like that!)

There must be something in the water recently because there has been an overload of pregnancy lately, My sisters in law, Leila's bio dad and wife, My friend's Maggie, and Todd and Rachel, and Brad. Is lots of babies around. Maybe I should stick to coffee.
Holla!

I don't vaccinate my children and other reasons why my mother and my MIL probably think I'm a bad person

1) I don't vaccinate. (Go on and yell at me, I don't care. It's this thing I do, where I put my fingers in my ears and hum and la la la to myself)

2) I'm juvenile. (see above parenthesis)

3) I curse in front of my kids.

4) Hmmm, Sometimes, I put my needs in front of my kids needs. (mommy needs to poop by herself, and I don't give a rat's ass if the cat is on fire and your sister is eating today's mail)

5) I don't ever remember to send the thank you cards. I write them but then What is her address again, and where the hell are the stamps and I don't feeeeeeeeeel like going to the post office today.

6) I 've started showing up to family dinners empty handed.

7) I always drink when I'm around family. (SELF MEDICATION)

8) I never do laundry if I can help it. (consequently, my eldest child owns 300 pairs of underwear)

10) I ignore everything when engrossed in a good book (see Harry Potter addiction)

11) I refuse to go see Hannah Montana THE MOVIE. I am relying on my MIL to do it. Because I can't. Because I LIKE MY SANITY.

12) I don't do maternity clothing until I can't help it anymore. (hello poky belly from shirt. Meet stretchy pants.)

13) Hmmm, because I write a blog...That I don't tell most family members about because someday I will write evil things about them to the internet. And we all pretend it does not exist. Even though I'm pretty sure most of them know about it and watch it constantly even though HELLO, I never update. Just IN CASE I say something evil about them.

14) I dread baby showers and stupid parties and mary kay ladies and please G-D don't ever let W-------s ever have store holiday parties because if I had to mingle with those people, I think I'd rather shoot my left arm off.

15) Mercilessly mock my husband for his comic/jersey/stupid movie collection.

16) All that crap I buy that they can't stand, don't understand, will never fathom, Ash why must you buy all this crap?

17) Still haven't quit smoking.

18) Still haven't done anything with my life.

19) Still haven't forgiven stupid people in my life, who jeebuschristina I should let go of that shit already, but no, can't, must hold grudge.

20) I actually agreed to put an adult warning content thingy on here. Because talking about suicide and my vajayjay and what not? Totally adult content, right?

21) Can't even come up with a number 21.


No wonder they hate me.

P.S. Uh, Hi Mom and Mom. Let's NOT talk about this ok, Hmm? Purely Entertainment Value Only, I swear!

Ya'll!! Natasha Richardson died!

I cannot even believe it. Remember Sonny Bono? Same thing. Celebrities! I have a tip! Wear a fucking helmet, ok? Please? I'm so sad.

Kyle says he also seals envelopes and ships them...

And that I should stop badmouthing PA.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


It's gorgeous and sunny out today, totally beach weather. But me? I'm still sick and coughing and le sexy so I'm not quite up to the beach. Maybe this weekend.

< Rant
So I'm sure that ya'll have heard of that Nadya Suleman chick, right? I have just this one bit to say on that situation and then I will hold my big fat trap. 14 children need alot of attention, and as a single mom, it was really hard to give all of that to just one child, let alone 6 under 9 and 8 preemies who will need tons of care. I think Nadya is doing a major disservice to the children she already has.
I also worry about her bad decisions will affect those who go through in vitro and other fertility treatments, People are nosy and will make uninformed opinions about her and apply it those who are in that dilemma. I worry that because Nadya took advantage of something that is only meant for those with actual problems, that it will become harder and harder for those who actually need the help. It's like the people who abuse welfare, ruining it for those who do need it.
< / Rant

Did I say something about posting on Friday?

Yeah.....how about Monday instead? ;)


So Pennsylvania was everything I said it would be, motherfucking cold ( I WOKE UP TO FOUR INCHES OF SNOW LAST MONDAY, YEA G-D!) and dreary. (The small bright side of this a) It's good not to be disappointed, I think and b) reminds me oh so well why I don't live there anymore) (I do not understand why other people choose to live like that though) (Hi Jamie!)

I'm not kidding, it really was cold, and I came back with more then what I left with. Namely this fucking COLD/VIRUSY/COUGH/NASTINESS thing that WILL NOT GO AWAY(Hi there Jamie, yes I really do still love you even though you gave me the gift that keeps right on giving: SNOT!). Seriously, I am so sexy with my dribbley nose and my hacking cough that literally kept me awake last night into this morning. (NO SLEEP ARG!) (bright side? oh, right, I got an early start on my day) (hack hack cough dribble achoooo)

Which of course Alexis caught, and Leila already had, so OMG! ARE WE EVER SO LOVELY TO BE AROUND. (No)

It was nice to see my grandfather, and all my lovely ladies, wish that I had gotten see some box stuffers (KYLE!), but I did see a bunch of old classmates who had really gotten fat. (always a boost to my self esteem!)

I won't be going back, at least not for the foreseeable future though, because of the cold and the yick and the SHITTY ASS DRIVERS (YES PENNSYLVANIA, I'M LOOKING AT YOU WITH YOUR CRAPTASTIC DRIVERS AND DANGEROUS MOUNTAIN ROADS, AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHY CAN'T YOU CUT DOWN SOME OF THAT UNDERGROWTH, SO THAT MAYBE I WON'T DIE TRYING TO DRIVE)


All in All, I wasn't missing much anything, and that's all I have to report.